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It’s funny how science fiction universes so often treat humans as a boring, default everyman species or even the weakest and dumbest.
I want to see a sci fi universe where we’re actually considered one of the more hideous and terrifying species.
How do we know our saliva and skin oils wouldn’t be ultra-corrosive to most other sapient races? What if we actually have the strongest vocal chords and can paralyze or kill the inhabitants of other worlds just by screaming at them? What if most sentient life in the universe turns out to be vegetable-like and lives in fear of us rare “animal” races who can move so quickly and chew shit up with our teeth?
Like that old story “they’re made of meat,” only we’re scarier.
HOLY SHIT THEY EAT CAPSAICIN FOR FUN
YOU GUYS I HEARD A HUMAN ONCE ATE AN AIRPLANE.
A HUMAN CAN KEEP FIGHTING FOR HOURS EVEN AFTER YOU SHOOT IT
humans are a proud warrior race with a pantheon of bloody gods: Ram-Bo, Schwarzenegger, etc.
REMOVING A LIMB WILL NOT FATALLY INCAPACITATE HUMANS: ALWAYS DESTROY THE HEAD.
WARNING: HUMANS CAN DETECT YOU EVEN AT NIGHT BY TRACKING VIBRATIONS THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE
WARNING: HUMANS CAN REPRODUCE AT A RATE OF 1 PER SPACEYEAR. DESTROY INFESTATIONS IMMEDIATELY
THE HUMAN MOUTH HAS OVER THIRTY OUTCROPS OF BONE AND POWERFUL JAW MUSCLES.
HUMAN BITES CAN BE FATALLY INFECTIOUS EVEN TO OTHER HUMANS
WARNING: HUMANS CAN AND WILL USE IMPROVISED WEAPONS. SEE CLASSIFIED DATA LABELED J. CHAN.
HUMANS CAN PROJECT BIOWEAPONS FROM ALMOST EVERY ORIFICE ON THEIR BODY. DO NOT INHALE
OH GOD THE HUMANS FIGURED OUT DOOR HANDLES OH GOD OH GOD
More seriously, humans do have a number of advantages even among Terrestrial life. Our endurance, shock resistance, and ability to recover from injury is absurdly high compared to almost any other animal. We often use the phrase “healthy as a horse” to connote heartiness - but compared to a human, a horse is as fragile as spun glass. There’s mounting evidence that our primitive ancestors would hunt large prey simply by following it at a walking pace, without sleep or rest, until it died of exhaustion; it’s called pursuit predation. Basically, we’re the Terminator.
(The only other animal that can sort of keep up with us? Dogs. That’s why we use them for hunting. And even then, it’s only “sort of”.)
Now extrapolate that to a galaxy in which most sapient life did not evolve from hyper-specialised pursuit predators:
- Our strength and speed is nothing to write home about, but we don’t need to overpower or outrun you. We just need to outlast you - and by any other species’ standards, we just plain don’t get tired.
- Where a simple broken leg will cause most species to go into shock and die, we can recover from virtually any injury that’s not immediately fatal. Even traumatic dismemberment isn’t necessarily a career-ending injury for a human.
- We heal from injuries with extreme rapidity, recovering in weeks from wounds that would take others months or years to heal. The results aren’t pretty - humans have hyperactive scar tissue, among our other survival-oriented traits - but they’re highly functional.
- Speaking of scarring, look at our medical science. We developed surgery centuries before developing even the most rudimentary anesthetics or life support. In extermis, humans have been known to perform surgery on themselves - and survive. Thanks to our extreme heartiness, we regard as routine medical procedures what most other species would regard as inventive forms of murder. We even perform radical surgery on ourselves for purely cosmetic reasons.
In essence, we’d be Space Orcs.
I do hope you realize I’m going to be picking up this stuff and running with it right?
Our jaws have too many TEETH in them, so we developed a way to WELD METAL TO OUR TEETH and FORCE THE BONES IN OUR JAW to restructure over the course of years to fit them back into shape, and then we continue to wear metal in out mouths to keep them in place.
We formed cohabitative relationships with tiny mammals and insects we keep at bay from bothering us by death, often using little analouge traps.
And by god, we will eat anything.
AND THEY COME IN WHITE
I want to tell you guys a joke. Okay. Here’s the joke. Ready? Misandry. Haha! Get it? No?
Okay. I’ll explain it. I know that will make it less funny because explaining jokes makes them less funny, but I want you to be in on the joke too. Because in the end it matters to me that you understand this. Because we’re friends, right?
"Why are you making fun of misandry, Gingerhaze? There ARE people who hate men. And no one should be hated based on factors that they have no control over!" Right you are, Straw Man! And yeah, there ARE women who legitimately hate men. There are even probably legitimately women who want to kill men, just for being men. But guess what? That number is so incredibly small as to really not count at all in the grand scheme of things. Any scientific survey taken of that number would not really factor it at all into the final report - in the grand scheme, it’s a fluke. And that’s what we’re talking about here: the grand scheme.
The truth of the matter is that it is INCREDIBLY HARD to live as an honest-to-god misandrist. For a woman to succeed, or even survive, in today’s society, she is expected to be able to relate to, understand, admire, respect, and appeal to, men. And that’s the reason why 99.9% of “misandrists” you will see - especially on the INTERNET for chrissakes - are JOKING. Can’t you take a joke? Men have no sense of humor, do they!
See what I did there? I made a joke at the expense of men. Misandry! Does that affect your life? Not really. Because the joke depends on the fact that, hey, in every other situation that’s what people say about women! That’s right! EVERY OTHER SITUATION.
Because for me, misogyny affects every single part of my life. All the time. A lot of this I’m just used to, and I just go about my life. I relate to men and I like men and I try to appeal to men in order to succeed, just like everyone else. I’m a pretty chill person. But it gets frustrating. Oh boy, does it.
So I make jokes. I flip the scenarios where I can and I try to make something out of it that I can laugh at, when really it’s not funny at all.
MISANDRY ISN’T REAL. That is, there is no social institution in place to enforce it. Are feminists too hard on you? Do you really think feminists are calling the shots in this world? Ha. They’re not, yo. Actually we’re living in a world that’s trying very hard to beat feminists down.
What’s happening when you cry “misandry” is you’re taking a very small slice of the problem and choosing to look only at that. Do you think My Little Pony is misandrist for having so few male characters? See, that’s FUNNY to everyone else, because we’ve been experiencing a wide spectrum of media where women make up only like,15-20% of characters. And now here’s this one thing where males aren’t the dominant voice and suddenly that’s misandry.
But dudes, you’re not nuts! There really is a social institution in place that negatively affects you! It makes your life harder and it might be making you miserable right now! It’s called…misogyny. Oh sure, it’s not so hard on you as it is on non-male people, but you’re definitely getting a lot of shit here too. It’s the pressure of not having sex often enough, of not being successful enough or strong enough or “man” enough, and it’s a total drag. I feel ya, bros. I really do. But really what’s happening here is you’re suffering the side effects of a culture that hates women. Because you wouldn’t want to be too much like a woman, would you? Women are a bad thing to be, right?
So don’t make it all about your problems. Help us fight the real problem. Do you hate being lumped in with rapists and wife-beaters and straight-up misogynists? Don’t come crying to me that “not all men are like that.” I KNOW that, man. How about instead you PROVE you’re not like that? How about you make it really really clear you don’t condone those guys and you call them out?
Do you get the joke now? I hope you do.
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